The Potty Boot Camp

I know I’ve gotten off of the topic of potty training lately, but I sure can’t resist these hilarious kid quotes.

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.’ How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.’ Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.’ You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.’ You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….”What?” I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?” No, You had your chance. Lights out.’ Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..”WHAT? ”I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’ Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..”WHAT!” When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well , I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’ssake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.’ I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:’The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’ His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’ The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.” And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’ The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’ One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr.Sugarbrown’s daughter.’ Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’ The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr.Sugarbrown’s daughter?’ She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’ Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’ The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

This isn’t Potty Training related, but I couldn’t resist. Here are a few funny quotes from kids about marriage, relationships, and dating:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is………
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Ok, this has nothing to do with potty training, but I was in the mood for some humor. Below is a selection of quotes I found at http://www.rinkworks.com/said/kidquotes.shtml (Rinkworks.com)

Quick Quotations:

“I’m being haive!” — 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave
“I’m not an oxymoron!” — 7 year old
“TNT.” — Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word “dynamite.”
“I’m glad I’m finally eight. This is the oldest I’ve ever been in my entire life!” — 8 year old son.
“I had to read and write six book reports.” — Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, “I had to read and write six books.”
“Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent.” — 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean
“Do they look after the Pokemon?” — City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.
“Why don’t you get some expensive money?” — 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive
“I have a rock in my nose.” — 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.
“There’s no one in there.” — 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.
“Quiet!” — 4 year old, when asked what begins with ‘M’ and sounds good.
“If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer’s corpse.” — A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon
“Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I’m a hypocrite?” — 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.
“Daddy, did your hair slip?” — 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom.” — 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
“How will that help?” — Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom
“They didn’t see it — it was all cut off!” — 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut
“Tell me when you’re asleep, ok?” — 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.
“I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time.” — Fifth grader, to his class.
“Well you’re old, and you’re not dead.” — “3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father’s grandparents weren’t around anymore.
“Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread.” — 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken. I’m looking for the seal.” — A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers
“Don’t kid me, Mom, I know they’re my feet.” — 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
“Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!” — Boy, overheard at the hospital
“How do you put make up on your mind?” — Girl, when told she should make up her mind.
“I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers.” — 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.
“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.” — 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord’s Prayer
“Watch out, Daddy. Mommy’s got her eye on you!” — 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she’d take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.
“I didn’t look much — I’ve only got little eyes!” — 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents.
“When you were my age, you was just a baby!” — 5 year old.
“Why don’t they just do what they did in 1899?” — On preparing for Y2K in 1999.
“Daddy doesn’t like that man, does he?” — Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I welcome you to add your own funny “kid quote” as well! Give us all a good laugh!